Veteran’s Day

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Veteran’s Day.  A time to remember growing up as an Air Force brat.  For us there was nothing unusual about waiting at the bus stop in the morning and having a huge tanker fly low overhead and waggle it’s wings in greeting.  The big grin on my face as I shrieked with my sisters, “Daddy’s back!”  Knowing that when we got off the bus in the afternoon  and ran home, he would be there with open arms and exotic gifts from wherever he had been.

 

As an adult who accidentally became an Army mom, I have better insight into where those “exotic” places were –Korea,Thailand and Okinawa during the beginning days of Vietnam.  Because of an amazing young woman who fell into my life courtesy of my youngest daughter, I have a clearer picture of what my mother and other military wives and mothers went through when their heroes were gone and in harm’s way.

 

My adopto-daughter is a soldier.  She is a medic and she is an advocate for wounded warriors.  She is one of the bravest people I know.  I am grateful to be part of her life and I am as proud of her as if she was my biological child.

 

When she left for Iraq, I was so terrified that I couldn’t breathe at the thought of her going to war.  Is this what my mother felt when my dad left?  If so, we kids didn’t know.  Did she watch the news reports and wonder where he was?  Her job and the jobs of the other mothers we knew was to keep things “normal”. And they did.

 

The comings and goings of fathers was” normal” for us.  All the families around us experienced the same ebb and flow.  Our school friends knew how life at home was with dad gone – working his job.  The women supported each other and kept homes waiting for the returns.

 

My adopto-child returned from Iraq safely.  My dad returned each time and retired from the Air Force.  We learned about civilian life.  On Veteran’s Day I thank all the active and retired military who give so much of themselves for the rest of us.  I thank their spouses and families for the sacrifices they made so the job got done.  No flourishes.  No fanfares. Normal, every day, get the job done.  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

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Are You Fighting Blindly?

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“If anyone injures his neighbor, as he has done it shall be done to him, fracture for fracture, eye for eye, tooth for tooth; whatever injury he has given a person shall be given to him.”

- Book of Leviticus 24:19-20 (ESV)

 

Since the recording of the Old Testament passage, many people, Christians and non-Christians alike, use this as justification for revenge. From an early age, most of us have a sense of “playing fair.” Whether it is a game on the playground or negotiating which TV show to watch with our loved ones, we know what it feels like to feel shortchanged or wronged. Regardless of your upbringing or background, chances are you’ve heard the phrase “an eye for an eye” tossed around at some point as a license to even the score. Chances are, you’ve used it yourself – I know I have. Why are we compelled to seek revenge? What is it about us that we want revenge, even when its’ pursuit hurts us more?

 

“If you prick us do we not bleed? If you tickle us, do we not laugh? If you poison us, do we not die? And if you wrong us shall we not revenge?”

- William Shakespeare

 

The Bard often expresses feelings in a way that we cannot; it is why his work endures, centuries after his death. Revenge, retribution, reprisal… whatever word you like, the message is the same. You hurt me, I have a right to get back at you. A May 2011 article in Psychology Today distills our need for revenge into three basic elements:

- Equity

- Identity

- Betrayal

We seek equity in our relationships – you treat me nicely, I’ll treat you well. You disrespect me; I have the right to come back after you. We constantly place our relationships on an invisible scale, examining how we are treated by our bosses, coworkers, spouses, kids, friends… and so on. When we feel like we’re on the losing end of a relationship, we act to change things. We ignore phone calls or texts, use the “silent treatment,” pick a fight over an insignificant issue, you name it. Anything that will help us feel better about our power in the relationship is fair game.

 

Protecting our identity is also a critical part of what defines us. From our earliest days, we have understood that our identity, our reputation, is worth more than money in the bank – it’s a matter of survival! Nobody wants to be the weakest link, the last one picked for the team, the outcast in the lunchroom. To protect our identity many of us are willing to take drastic measures. Think about how many kids experiment with smoking, drinking, joining gangs or cliques – I’m certain it’s not for the taste of beer or the smell of stale cigarettes! Even larger than our personal identity is our collective identity as a community or a nation. Look no further than the response of most Americans after the attacks to our country after 9/11.

 

Few things hurt more than betrayal. When we our vulnerable with others and see that vulnerability crushed, a fire ignites in our hearts. Most people are familiar with the quote “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” but likely never known the original from William Congreve: “Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, nor hell a fury like a woman scorned.” The sentiment is clear – when betrayed we are capable of immense pain and anger.

 

Revenge is a tricky thing. In avenging our pain, we often create more pain – it’s impossible to trade insult for insult without exacting a greater toll from our tormentor. Retribution begets retribution, and the cycle continues. So, how do we get the sense of justice we want without engaging in a war of pettiness? To get past the pain, we look to a higher level of thinking.

 

“In taking revenge, a man is but even with his enemy; but in passing it over, he is superior.”

- Francis Bacon

 

Successful people learn that the best solution to the game of revenge is never to play in the first place. Now don’t get me wrong, there is a big difference between standing up for yourself, asserting your boundaries when needed, and maintaining your integrity. The big picture here is looking at the office politics, the tally board of slights and misbehavior, and other general-purpose foolishness. What do you stand to gain by engaging in a war of words and games? Odds are, not much. Like many people, this is a concept I’ve struggled with (and continue to), so it was eye-opening to hear Dr. Henry Cloud speak about this recently. His assertion, <b>don’t fight fair</b>, says that if we want to enjoy our relationships and move them past pettiness and strife, we have to take our behavior to a higher level. “Playing fair” says that if you treat me nicely, I’ll treat you nicely. If you mess around with me, expect me to mess with you.

 

Our behavior is nothing more than a function of how we are treated.

 

Ouch. I don’t know about you, but I’d rather spend my life living according to my faith, the things I believe, and act independently of how others treat me. I feel better about myself when I spend time and energy on things that are positive and bring happiness. I figure if I can’t do anything practical to change how others treat me, then I’m probably better off not worrying about it. The last couple of years I’ve worked to spend more time with people who care about me and value me, and a lot less time around folks that are more interested in always being right or the top dog in everything. It’s working pretty well so far.

 

I’ll leave you with another quote from the Bible, this time from Matthew. Just as we grow in how we engage with others, we have a model for how a truly spiritual person should act:

 

“You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.’ But I say to you, Do not resist the one who is evil. But if anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also. And if anyone would sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well. And if anyone forces you to go one mile, go with him two miles.”

- Matthew 5:38-41 (ESV)

 

Enough said.

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Five For Friday – 7/15

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It’s been an interesting week around these parts. Junior and I went for a great hike at Enchanted Rock, I started my next round of summer college classes, and Penny has fleas. Do we know how to have a good time, or what? ;)

Musically speaking, it’s a random week. There are no hidden messages in the music, only the overt need to avoid manipulation. Or put on the red light. Enjoy!

 

The Police – Roxanne

David Gray – Nightblindness

Johnny Cash – Rusty Cage

Arc Angels – Too Many Ways to Fall

Coldplay – Don’t Panic

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Five For Friday – July 8th

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It’s hot. No two ways about it. The last few summers in South Texas have either been bone-dry or flooded, and we’re experiencing the bone-dry edition. Thankfully, the A/C is working, the ceiling fans are on, and the iced tea is cold. :)

 

Put your feet up, enjoy a few tunes, and remember those lazy summer days of running in the sprinkler, drinking from the garden hose, and playing outside barefoot. It’s a dying memory.

 

 

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A Searching and Fearless Moral Inventory

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I recently attended my first AA meeting as an assignment for a psychology class, and it was, in a word – humbling. For those readers that are familiar with Alcoholics Anonymous or any of the other Twelve Step programs modeled after the original, a “searching and fearless moral inventory” is step number four. It exhorts the reader to take stock of themselves, their weaknesses and flaws, searching for what led them to all the compulsions to drink or drug. I count myself lucky to not struggle with any problems with alcohol. My Dad once had a six-pack of beer that sat in his fridge for a year, and that’s the kind of drinker I am. I can count the times I’ve been drunk on one hand.

 

Here’s an interesting fact about recovering alcoholics I learned that night: the members that have been in the program for more than a few months are brutally honest with themselves. And everyone else around them. In most cases they’ve hit rock bottom, and lost things dear to them; marriages, businesses, homes, and livelihoods. They have reached a point where all that they had left was the clothes on their back. It’s amazing how that helps cut the crap. It’s not that they were brutal or unkind. I just found a level of directness that I don’t hear anymore in the average conversation, and especially from people you’ve just met! Out of our conversation, one point was pounded into my head:

 

You have to take stock of your soul.

 

As a business routinely counts the backroom, we have to take a regular and honest accounting of what’s in our being. The folks at the AA meeting kindly gave me a copy of the Big Book, their handbook for all recovering alcoholics, and as I read more about the fourth step I learned that meant looking at the things we put into our souls. For the introverts of the group, this comes easily, but for others they can go a lifetime without any serious introspection. What kind of input are we receiving mentally and emotionally each day? Personally, I love watching Law & Order: SVU. Courtesy of Netflix I can watch until my eyes pop out. But is that healthy? How much of that do I really need, and what kind of effect will that have on my GPA, much less my kids or my exercise routine? Do I need to spend hours aimlessly surfing the Web for the latest news or gossip? Probably not. Here’s another little nugget I picked up:

 

When you count your own flaws, you don’t worry as much about everyone else’s.

 

In the Gospel according to John, Jesus told the Pharisees assembled the kill the adulterer: “Let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone.” It helps to look at our lives in context. Not that we forgive blindly, or don’t mete out justice where it is due. As I write this, the Casey Anthony trial just concluded. I have my opinion on it, like many others, but this won’t be my place to talk about it. She got her justice from the jury, and I’m confident there is a far greater judgment awaiting her (and all of us) and the end of our time on Earth. Besides, how many times have we heard someone on TV demonizing a politician or celebrity for his or her behavior, only to find out about his or her own transgressions? Far too many, I’m afraid. Expanding our self-awareness and learning how to be good to ourselves is the only genuine way. Spend less time in the court of public opinion and more time in the court of self-worth.

 

So what’s important to you, anyway?

 

If you are going to take an inventory of your soul, and watch what comes in, ya gotta know what you’re counting. What makes your life worthwhile? For me, it’s about my relationship with my kids and my family. Those that I love are the lasting legacy that I’ll leave behind. If my time with them is marked with lies, broken promises, and any number of inconsiderate acts, then I’ve fallen short in my mind. For you, it may be integrity in your business or personal dealings, a commitment to meaningful causes, friends, or rescuing abused animals. It may mean a commitment to the greater goals you’ve set for yourself – physical well-being, mental improvement, emotional nurturing and a loving, monogamous relationship. It might be all the above.

 

A writer described true happiness as finding a “peace that surpasses understanding.” I don’t know what that looks like, but to be at a level of happiness where you can be genuinely happy with how you are living your life each day, accepting yourself for who you are and where you are, is truly a gift. And you don’t have to hit rock bottom to know that.

 

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